[	mood	|	hopeful	]
[	music	|	mr. santillana's voice lecturing...	]

Ok...so i was wrong with how i ended my last entry but that would not be a very good start, so i would like to share my triple weekend getaway with my college friends...

It started off last thursday, July 14, 2005. The day before, was Albert's birthday and we were constantly convincing him to treat us somewhere...unfortunately we weren't successful. But much to our surprise he invited us all to have dinner at Yellow Cab and it was his treat, too bad i wasn't able to bring my digicam i could've captured all those precious moments that me and my blockmates shared. I was really glad we got together, it has been a long time since all of us were together and actually having fun. We only get to see each other during course card distribution and sometimes along the hallways, waving Hi to one another but never got the chance to bond and share laughters because we were all too busy with schoolwork. It was really fun because we were like 20 and we occupied almost half of Yellow Cab. Thank God for cellphone cameras! At least we were able to capture some memories...

The next day July 15, 2005 was really exciting. We have been planning this gimik for a week! Actually it's not really a gimik to some but we just simply wanted to spend time with each other. We were planning an overnight wherein after a night out we would stay at a hotel, then the next morning we would all play badminton. Well, it wasn't exactly what happened but it was fun. We all met at Greenbelt 3 where we decided to watch "If Only" the boys weren't complaining at first so we thought it was ok but they thought we weren't serious in watching the film, but we already bought tickets. The show would start at 7:50, the earliest i might say from the time we arrived so we decided to eat dinner first. There were some considerations because we wanted to eat somewhere cheap but delicious, so we ended up walking all the way to Greenbelt 1 where we ate at Chicken Bacolod! I sooo..love CRAB FAT RICE!!! It's my favorite! As usual we had trouble dividing the change so we just thought of buying popcorn with the excess change...we even had free drinks for buying the popcorn which ended up being eaten by me, potch_c ,lonely_tabs ,mixed09  to think that it was a heavyweight size at Chimara (i recommend this..it's healthy and delicious!) We weren't able to start the movie because of the long walk from Greenbelt 1 to Greenbelt 3 plus the fact that we bought popcorn. I really loved the movie because words are not needed to make you cry...I cry easily and my weakness is whenever i see men cry in the film, it just seems so sad that men even have to cry! So after watching...here are some things/quotes/thoughts to ponder i got from the film...

1. In a relationship they say there's always someone who loves more...Oh god how i wish it wasn't me... (when i fall in love i give more than a 100%, i hope the next time i do he'll love me just the same...)
2. Death doesn't end love.
3. Every choice we make will make our lives different. (to anne , we were discussing about it last time and i think that we do have a choice, i just think that we don't have a choice when it comes to the consequences we will face after making that decision because God will be the judge of our actions.)

After watching the film, and after everyone has left, anne, angeline_331 and me went to Coffee Bean,actually anj treated us...i liked the guiltless chocolate mousse but they both liked the triple decker cheesecake. Can i just add that the baristas in coffee bean are too gorgeous for their jobs! i could just like stay there for the whole day! After staring at the baristas, i mean after ordering, we drove around greenhills then went to angeline's house, we would be staying there for the night because we have a badminton match tomorrow! HaHaHa! We enjoyed each other's company so much we didn't really want to sleep if only we didn't have a badminton match we could've stayed up all night but we decided to sleep anyway, at around 4am! Then we woke up before 7am!

July 16, 2005...We had breakfast at Heaven and eggs It was sooo..delicious and the place was very nice, eating a very sumptuos meal with a nice ambiance...it's like heaven on earth! haha! After eating we went to Bronwen's house to pick her up...her dog Rambo and Cutie were really cute! Then we went to METRO badminton place in Pioneer St. it was big and kinda cheap..we played for two hours we occupied 2 courts and we only paid P100! It was very tiring yet so much enjoying! To end the day my parents decided to fetch me in school..so while wearing a really short miniskirt i rode the MRT and LRT while carrying my huge bag! Talk about poise! Haha! That's not all...my grandmother decided to join the prayer rally in Quirino Grandstand...so we went there, but i didn't get out of the car but it was the first time i saw a rally right before my eyes! People were carrying their plackards and banners, waving flags and there was shouting! A truck of Coca-Cola went around giving away Coke Litro! And we went there of course complete with the juice and sandwiches..my dad even gave the policemen food so we could park and go inside the place without a car pass! haha! GMA didn't show up, so my grandma decided that we should go home na...What a weekend!

But just when you thought your weekend was through...there he goes! Haha! I started this entry admitting i was wrong about assuming that he left me, well he actually didn't. It turned out that he was using his SUN sim so he wasn't able to receive my previous texts...He found out i had a SUN sim too..so he asked for my number, i didn't give it but he eventually found out because me and my cosusin's number were makasunod! (haha! i can't think of the word e..hehe!)Can i say things are back to normal? Well, i actually don't know if i'm glad about the situation or not...(Lord, please tell me i'm not doing anything wrong! :P)

Last night, after class i went to our weekly Bible Study...for me it was just an ordinary night..it's the usual..but God is really speaking to me..He always knows just when i need Him. We have been discussing the story of Job for 2 weeks now, (i recommend u read the book of Job in the old testament)...He is a very righteous man who lost everything he ever had... his wealth, health and his family...but still he didn't lose hope nor his faith and trust in God! He believed that whatever happens to him is under God's control and it will all be for the better...sometimes, we too, forget that God gives us these trials to make us better persons...we question Him, asking "why do good hings happen to bad people and why do we, the good ones have to suffer?" Well, if you read Job's story it is incomparable to whatever trial we might be undergoing right now. We have a lot of fears. We fear that we might disappoint someone, hurt them...this is what i've learned..."Everything I fear and dread comes true"...Job 3:25, God does not want us to depend on others for security, love and happiness...we should only depend on Him alone...He is so powerful, he can take everything we have and all of our fears will come true.

One of my fears already did...after admitting to him my fears...he left me, hanging, waiting, anticipating..."promises are meant to be broken" but does it always have to? Can't they promise and fulfill it? Why do they always make promises they don't intend to keep? Why do they say things they don't really mean? All these questions...left unanswered...because the thing i feared the most...just came true...

[	mood	|	energetic	]
[	music	|	Crazy-aerosmith	]

Last Saturday i was able to watch the advanced screening of FANTASTIC FOUR at Robinson's Galleria...(thank you so much __grateful, you don't know how much you've made me, my brother and cousins really happy!) Grabe! thanks talaga! Although nag-commute lang kami papunta Robinson's which was a first for all of us...it was all worth it! The Human Torch is really hot! literally..He makes my temperature rise! haha! exag! But he is really gorgeous..or siguro kasi i have a fetish for tisoys na kalbo haha! Mayen was supposed to join me watch the movie and it was after all her tickets, but she had a lot of things to do, btw, if you need help tell me lang ha! She really is the best! Karen and Roger were also supposed to go but they said they couldn't make it, but as soon as we reached the mall, Perez texted me, asking if he could still join 'coz he just realized that he wanted to watch..too bad, la na tickets e..my other brothers and cousins also wanted to watch but due to the limited number of tickets...they weren't able to. I love the movie 'coz it has action but it's not action-packed to the point na nakaka-bingi na...it was a mixture of comedy, drama and action...for me it was the perfect blend! I won't go into further details because i know a lot of you would want to watch the movie..i just so love the Human Torch..and i wanna share it! Hay naku! this day is really kakaiba...first i saw my crush and super gwapo na ulit cia..well, nde cia kalbo like the others..actually i was telling mixed09 na kahit long hair cia(not that long naman!) na he still looks clean at kaya pala walang kibo 'tong si anne because she was thinking of someone else..haha! Pero kanina grabe! New haircut na siya and he's soooo cute! ngayon lang talaga ako kinilig ulit ng sobra! Well...la na kc ngte2xt! :( haha! lam mo ung feeling nung highschool na kausapin ka lng feeling mo heaven na? haha! that's exactly how i felt, clasmates kasi pag Buslaw2, e hindi pumasok ung prof so we had to do a seatwork..buti nalang c Ms. Poblete ung sub kaya masaya..nahuli nya kami tumatawa at tinanong bkit sabi ko "La lng..kinikilig kasi ako Ms e.." lakas ng loob ko, to think he was there ha! nde naman niya kasi alam e..tapos humingi cia ng paper lam mo un..ka-kilig kaya! ang babaw noh? haha! bumabalik ako sa sakit ko nung highschool..kung friends ko kayo talaga and you know me really well, lam nyo siguro ung sakit ko pag masaya ako..well, for the benefit of others, i have this really weird habit na pag masaya ako, hindi mo makakaila kasi i clap my hands! weird noh? pero ewan ko..bigla lang talaga ako napapapalakpak! Tagal na rin since i last clapped my hands dahil sa sobrang kasiyahan ha! Well, after being so high and feeling like i'm on cloud 9...God really has a way of bringing me back to reality! i was so happy because we were dismissed early so i thought i could get to watch The O.C. but my Dad was still playing chess so wasn't able to fetch me right away..i had to wait at SELECT...and guess who fetched me? Yup! Jeff! haha! just when i thought i won't be able to see him 'till Wednesday..there he was driving my Dad's car...it's one of those times when i really feel like i love my brother because good thing he came with him! kung hindi..goodluck! i would have been stuck in the front seat with him! Which is really awkward because we haven't been communicating for weeks now! i can feel the silence and intensity in the car, i was just singing in the car just to break the silence..it's the same feeling the last time he fetched me from school, it was really a fast-drive(literally) but it felt like years! we were both trying to avoid each other..but things like these, i guess, are really inevitable.. Well..that's life! Just gotta accept it..and hope that things will all turn out better, just like God planned it..everything happens for a reason, we don't meet people by chance, they are there in our lives for a reason...and maybe they also left us for a reason, whatever reason it was...i'm glad! (kinda redundant...but still i'm glad)

[	mood	|	really crushed	]
[	music	|	my sniffing and the teardrops falling from my eyes	]

This entry was supposed to be about the Frosh solidarity night but unfortunately I wasn’t able to upload it right away so I’ll start this entry with that…but the next part is totally not related and what you are about to read is what I really feel right now...

The Frosh Solidarity Night was a success! It was the first-ever off-campus activity that was so big! And I’m proud to have been a part of it, though I wasn’t able to see Mark, up-close and didn’t even have the opportunity to have a picture taken with him, from the registration booth…can I say…HE’S SO HOT!!! He Really Rocks my World! I was like screaming in the lobby cheering for him! I dunno what it is I like about him, I don’t usually like “Moreno” types but lately I think I’ve been switching sides…There’s just something about him that make girls swoon…like I said…he’s so hot! Especially when he sings, even though I’m not a fan of rock music, he makes me wanna love it!

( This is what i really feel )

I really don’t like what I’m feeling right now, the thing that I feared the most just happened…I don’t want to hurt anybody but I guess I just did. Last Thursday, I had an unusually long break, well, not really that long but that moment felt like forever. We all had nothing to do so we stayed at the Plaza Villarosa and exchanged cellphones hoping there was a quote that would fit what I was feeling at the moment, quotes that would make me go awwww…but I guess it wasn’t what I expected…my bestfriend, Angeline, had this quote in her phone and she sent it to me...

“Masarap pag hinahabol ka di ba? Masarap pag may nagmamakaawa na bigyan mo siya ng time. Masarap pag may nagkakagusto at nangugulit sa’yo, Pero alam mo ba ang sakit at sakripisyo na nararanasan niya para mapatunayan na mahal ka?”

That quote really struck me, it never occurred to me that one person could hurt so much, while the other person is for sure jumping for joy and loving the attention. Now I know, ‘coz I can feel his pain.  I’ve been avoiding this thing for as long as I could remember, but I guess things have their way of getting back to you. I just finished watching One Tree Hill, I don't like Nathan and Peyton but their scene together, it's still glued on my mind...People Always Leave...more often than not, you have no idea when and if they'll ever come back.

I can’t help myself whenever I make friends with someone I get easily attached and what makes it harder for me is my separation anxiety. I don’t want to be close to someone only to find out in the end that they’re just gonna leave me. I wanna be just friends nothing more nothing less, I don’t want to be close, honestly I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I want someone to care for me, I wanna feel loved and when I do it always turns out wrong and never comes out right, wrong timing, wrong place, wrong person…or maybe I’m wrong. I make myself believe that I don’t need anyone in my life right now, that I’m fine and I can do things on my own, Thank You…but I’m breaking down, I don’t think I can do this alone. Lord help me, I just don’t know what to do…You know what I want and you know what I need, My hope is in you and  I put my whole trust in you Lord…I just wanted you to know that…

[	mood	|	confused	]
[	music	|	Leave by Jojo	]

why does it always have to be that when you think you don't need a guy in your life right now, they come...and when you need them, they're never there...

i don't usually write in my journal because i think i can still handle my problems and that i can keep it all bottled up in this little heart of mine, but i guess i can't take this anymore, so here am i, putting all my thoughts in this journal...this is my form of release and i really think this is what i need right now...

i'm having a blast every weekend...bec. i get to spend it with my highschool friends which makes me forget all of the stress and problems at home and in school, but i guess lovelife will always be a part of you and it will continue to haunt and bother you...just when you thought you can make it on your own and you're happy being single...somebody comes...i hate it!

Some might say.."buti nga meron dumarating...sa akin nga wala e" but i'd rather be single, than have someone who loves me very much but unfortunately i just don't feel the same way...i'm weak when it comes to love, i fall easily and i hate it!

i admit i feel very lonely at times. it hurts. i cry often. but it hurts me more, knowing someone loves me very much but i can't return the love, i know he isn't expecting anything but i find it hard turning down people..i already told him that he doesn't stand a chance because i thought with that said, he might stop and leave but he didn't, he's still persistent...i hate it!

i don't know what to do, this is the first time i've ever felt this way, i've never encountered this kind of guy...i have lots of guys friends, i've had boyfriends but i haven't been in this kind of situation...i hate it!

i've never seen such concern from a guy. we've known each other for about 3 years, i actually can't remember when and how, but we live in the same compound, he's friends with my dad, i see him twice or thrice a week, we attend the same fellowship, we sometimes ride the same car...and i try to avoid those circumstances as much as possible...because i hate it!

i have a lot of things going on in my mind right now, i had lots of thoughts i wanted to share that's why i started this entry but the words just won't come out...i don't know what to say anymore, i don't know what to do, and i don't know what i'm thinking anymore..i don't know if this even makes sense...this is weird...i hate it!

i'm so confused right now, i just needed to let this out of my system...although it wasn't really released at least it  lessened my burden...this is not me...i hate it!

[	mood	|	excited	]
[	music	|	the Insider news.....	]

First of all...it's really been a long time since i updated this journal...second, forgive me but i rily don't know anything bout designing or how to make my entry look interesting but what i'm going to say is truly interesting..believe me! This will truly be a very rewarding and fun experience! just read on...

[	mood	|	lonely	]
[	music	|	Still in my heart: Tracie Spencer	]

I lost another bestfriend I actually never had…I never thought I could meet such a wonderful person..someone so optimistic, sweet, kind and all of the things you could ask for in a friend…Angeline had it all! She became one of the reasons why I did go to school… (don’t get me wrong! I’m straight! Hehehe) I was always looking forward to see her because I know she will be there, attentively listening to all my stories, sharing with my “kilig” and tears…too bad she won’t be there anymore. She will always be in our hearts but somehow, physical presence is really different…We will soon go to malls, without her which will make us miss her even more. Now she has decided to go on a different path. Who knows when we’ll meet again? It’s not like our school is that big but

we all fear seeing her with other people and she’ll be too busy and happy to even say hi to us..I know she won’t be like that but when a person becomes a part of your daily routine it really is hard to get her out of your system and you can’t blame me if I’m being too paranoid…I was hoping and praying for someone like her but I guess it’s true that some good things just don’t last…I miss my friend.. I miss her more than I even miss my ex-boyfriend!  But I guess me missing her isn’t enough to make her change her mind…As a friend all I can say is that I’ll always be here..no matter what, still hoping and praying that things between us “pretty girls” won’t change…the bond we’ve created is so strong nothing not even parting ways can ever change the love and care we have for each other. You will always be in our hearts, the moments we’ve spent together and will always be cherished. We will be supporting you all the way, in your every endeavor, may you never fail to ask God for guidance and us your friends for help whenever you need one…a shoulder you could cry on when you’ve run out of Kleenex, when you need a hug and your pillows aren’t enough to give you comfort, when you need eyes ‘coz you’re too blind to see all the goodness The Lord has done in your life, when you’re to weak we will be strong for you…all these and more for a very wonderful friend like you. It will be very hard to accept the fact that we won’t be seeing you on a regular basis but I guess we all have to…All the good things you’ve done for us will remain in our hearts…We miss you friend! We just miss everything about you…

[	mood	|	indescribable	]
[	music	|	Drops of Jupiter:Train	]

             I missed writing here….it’s been a very long time since I updated my journal…a lot of things has happened, some worth sharing but others I’d rather forget!…In exactly a month’s time I would be celebrating my debut, I don’t know what will happen, my parents don’t have the time to be with me and take care of things that are still needed…I have my program but I hope they all will come…The invites are almost over and so are the souvenirs…I want to get things over with…not just the things for my debut but also the problems I’m dealing with my life right now, I’m really, really sad…I don’t know if it shows but I’ve been hiding these feelings a long time now, its like in every aspect of my life, something’s going wrong…I’m very disappointed with my grade of 3.375. For sure others will be very happy with that grade but knowing that you’re .25 close to getting a 3.4 and making it to the first honors I know you wouldn’t be happy ‘bout it…I’m not.

I’ve always dreamed of becoming the Valedictorian even when I was just a kid…I wasn’t able to fulfill my dream…now, being the Sumacumlaude seems even harder to reach. I study hard, do my best but I always fall short. Did I lack prayers…I guess so, I’m Sorry Lord! But sometimes I just get so upset with my life I forget to think about the good things I have that even others don’t have. I know how blessed I am but a part of me still want to have more…I guess I am the Green-eyed monster! It’s just so disappointing that you see others whom you think is not deserving, get to have all the things you want and you don’t…You can’t help but question God...